Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

I am never leaving this website

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines