Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads