Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Speak now or ever hold your peace

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.