Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater