Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*