Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay me first

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

Huge if true.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.