Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.