Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

dutch so unserious

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no