Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.