Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Printer ink is expensive
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Actually cracking up @ this
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.