Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.