Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

Anarchy

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

My last name is Zilla.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.