Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
You Might Also Like
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
operators are standing by to ignore your call
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Which wines pair best with gloating?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Terribly Tuesday.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.