Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.