Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.