Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

*files a restraining order against reality*

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

absolutely not

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

lmfao

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.