Why does laundry happen to good people?
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People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My wedding will be open casket.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”