Why does laundry happen to good people?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Social distancing in Australia:
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-