Why does laundry happen to good people?
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im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.