Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
You Might Also Like
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Husband of the year 😂
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age