Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
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This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!