Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then