Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”