Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.