Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

#gardening

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.