Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
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My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now