Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
guilty
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread