Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

me when the borders lift

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry