Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.