Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

O Wise One….

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.