Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My fantasy football season is going great
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.