Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.