Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…