Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.