Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs