Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
You Might Also Like
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
It’s a gift
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?