Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please