why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*