why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.