why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines