why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
watergate? u mean a dam??
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?