Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
You Might Also Like
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game