Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
don’t we all
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Every damn time
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen