Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am