@mtvcell

“why does my back always hurt”

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@TravLeBlanc

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

@sixfootcandy

People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.

@MazMHussain

Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.

@TheCatWhisprer

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

@3sunzzz

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

@SamuelHLowe

I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@RocketRankoon

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you