Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
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No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
make up your mind
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
me logging onto twitter
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*