Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
#merica
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.