Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

found my next D&D character name

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs