Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Thursday Thought.
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sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best