why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
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My loaf of bread looks terrified
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard