Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

oh my gosh!!

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

This is my brand.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.