Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
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And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*