Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
