Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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I hope they boil the right one.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague