You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
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someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The internet is full of many things
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.