Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night