Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean