why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
You Might Also Like
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.