why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
🤣🤣
found a horse’s reddit account
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My whole life was a lie.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…