why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys