why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
me working on my assignments ^-^
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
