why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time