why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
all that yoga finally paid off
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen