why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Tuesday
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
The French cow says MEUX…
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.