Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.