Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey