Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
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getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.