Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
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Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
thank god the sign was there
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars