Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend