Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.