Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

drew a comic about my origin story

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

*limbos under the caution tape

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies