Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

With a text.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.