Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
He took my last fry, your honor
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing