*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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you stereotypes are all alike
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Me high af: are you in line?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Tip for teens:
If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring