@El_nacho_Nigre

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

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@murrman5

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

@TheAndrewNadeau

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

@Kyle_Lippert

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

@Scriblit

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

@nbadag

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

@GrantTanaka

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

@SortaBad

Tip for teens:

If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring