Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you