Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

something like this could probably happen to anyone

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married