Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

WHY?!

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.