Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1661185154105110529/pu/vid/404x720/vARH8cLW_ZJfLXhw.mp4?tag=12

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

I only look at Wordle for the articles

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!