Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
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[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast